Reflections

A friend of mine told me I would hate my job in two months. He said that they'd walk all over me and that I'd be sick of it. Most people would hate it in a few days, he claimed, but since I'm a good person he have me two months. Another friend congratulated me for being so self-sacrificing. She said she thought I was a good person for helping those people. As an EUIP intern, I've been working at St. Joseph Center in Venice where I have been assisting homeless individuals and families in applying for and maintaining subsidized housing. I have been there for a month, and so far, I still like my job and I'm still not convinced that I'm the next Mother Theresa. In fact, I hate the idea of having Mother Theresa status as much as I hate the distinctions between "us" and "them". By "us" I mean the privileged ones and by "them" I mean "those people" I'm helping.

The part that bothers me about a regular person having saint status is that it makes it seem like what is being done by interns like myself is something most couldn't do. I really don't feel like I am doing anything over the top. Being in L.A. is something I want to do. I don't think it's an ultimate self-sacrificing act that will up my chances of getting into heaven or anything crazy like that. I do think my work is important, but not because there is no one else to do it or because I have received some divine calling; it is simply important to me. Frederick Buechner said, "The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I feel like I am doing something that I love, and the good part is that it is meeting a need as well. Maybe when Mother Theresa talked about doing "little things with great love" she was serious. Maybe she didn't feel like she was working herself into the ground-- Maybe she was actually acting out of love.

Before coming to EUIP, I loved people in all walks of life. It was pretty easy actually; most of the people I encountered looked, acted, and thought in the same way I did. I loved everyone though--poor, rich, gay, straight, liberal, and conservative. My problem was I didn't really know the poor that I claimed to love, so I decided to move to Los Angeles to help "them". By "them" I wanted to help "those in need"--the homeless people of Los Angeles. That is how I started off, but after only a month here, I have had to rethink the distinctions I make between walks of life, the more I realize that making distinctions between "us" and "them" only causes division. I also begin to see that we aren't that different after all as I can see more of myself in others.

In talking about community, Peter Rollins suggests that there is a difference between "loving gay people" and "loving those of us who are gay" (How Not To Talk To God). That is the key. I pray that as I encounter people in all walks of life that God will continue to blur my self-imposed line between "us" and "them". I know I'll still have my own experiences and my own unique perspective, but I pray that the poor I encounter will become "those of us who are poor" as opposed to "those people I am empowering"--as though I am up on a pedestal with all the power to hand down. And as for the pedestal aspect, I pray that I won't be set apart for being a part of a program like this, but that others will realize that if Janna Payne can do it then it certainly doesn't take a saint to do a few good things.

Janna Payne, Episcopal Urban Intern Program, 2007-2008